Konoha Do Not Call List
by Lunar Chasmodai
Summary: In which the occupants of Konohagakure give the telemarketers a run for their money in a collection of 500 word one shots.
1. Haruno Sakura

**The story: Several 500 word one-shots about Naruto characters getting on the telemarketer's 'do not call' list. Been tested!**

**I don't own Naruto. Own the telemarketer though. Poor guy.**

Haruno Sakura.

Sakura decided she hated phones.

Really she did.

So when one woke her up after a particularly long and grueling mission, she was tempted just to smash it and go back to sleep. '_Yes…hit the damn thing! Throw the chunks out the window and _let me sleep god damn it!' Inner Sakura screamed. Five hours of sleep might have suited her fine any other day, but this was the day after the most physically exhausting mission of her five-year shinobi career. Despite her anger and resentment towards the telephone in question, and her insane tiredness, Sakura rolled out of bed anyway and stumbled forward to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" she mumbled into the receiver. Eyes opening a little wider, she added, "Sakura speaking." It was a courtesy. Anyone who knew her would either have a good reason to call or start 'splaining real fast.

"Hello Mrs. Uzumaki," greeted a chirpy male voice from the other end of the line. Sakura growled rabidly at the name. She was _not_ Mrs. Uzumaki, nor would she _ever_ be Mrs. Uzumaki. She was _Miss_ Haruno who happened to share a two-bedroom one bath apartment with Naruto Uzumaki. That didn't make them married. Sakura shivered at the very though. '_Must. Not. Kill. Telemarketer. Not. Their. Fault._'

"Yesh?" she grumbled. "Whazzhawant?"

"Well Mrs. Uzumaki," the voice continued. Sakura's eye twitched. "We know you," no you don't, "as a proud member," of what? The 'we hate telemarketer club?' damn straight, "of Konoha's greatest population, shinobi, and we were wonder if we could get your support," whatever it is, no, "for the Konohagakure Rotary Club!"

"I see." Sakura's eye twitched again. By now her mind had cleared and she was capable of speaking in complete sentences. Civility, on the other hand, was a totally different matter. "Are you aware that it's eight o'clock in the morning?"

"I'm sorry Mrs. U--"

"Are you aware I was on a mission until _three in the morning?_"

"I'm sorry Mrs. U--"

"Are you are aware that _if you call me Mrs. Uzumaki one more time, I will castrate you and feed your innards to Izumo's giant rat?!_ For goddssake, my name is Sakura Haruno! Miss Sakura Haruno! I am not, or will I ever be, Mrs. Uzumaki!"

"That's not what our records say."

"Your records are _wrong_."

"Oh, alright, Mrs.--"

Poor telemarketer. Never had a chance to finish his sentence. The phone was smashed into the receiver so forcefully that on the other end of the line, the poor telemarketer felt the full repercussions. Bruised sternum, torn gastrocnemius, fractured arm and a broken finger.

"I'm sorry," Sakura said as she brushed off her nightgown and started back for her warm, comfy bed, "I don't give money over the phone."

Haruno Sakura: **DO NOT CALL!!!**


	2. Yamanaka Ino

**Another 'exciting' installment of 'Kohona Do Not Call List'.**

**I don't own Naruto. I own the telemarketer.**

* * *

Ino liked phones. Phones were good for gossip, phones were good for ordering jewelry and clothes, phones were good for calling in at the Konoha city radio station. 

Phones were not made for telemarketers.

And when a telemarketer crossed that unspoken line of 'Yamanaka Ino's List of Acceptable Phone Activities' and called her family's _floral shop,_ this meant that there was a war. And Yamanaka Ino will never, ever lose a war.

"Hello, Yamanaka Floral Shop, how may I serve you?" Ino asked, picking up the phone and pressing it to her ear.

"Mrs. Yamanaka," '_actually, I'm Miss Yamanaka,_' "we were wondering if you wanted to sponsor the Konoha Baseball Team." '_I didn't know there was a baseball team,_' Ino thought, her eyes narrowing. '_How dare they call here? How dare they call at all!_'

"Well," Ino said, a feral smirk crossing her features, "tell me about this baseball team."

"Well--" the telemarketer began.

"Hold on," Ino interrupted, "call on the other line." She hit mute and waited for a few minutes, watering a few of the uncut flowers, and then beeped back onto the line. "Are you still there?" She asked. She made it sound like she was depressed. '_Every great shinobi has to act._'

"Um…yes…" the telemarketer mumbled, tone deflating. "You sound upset."

"I am," Ino sniffled. "My boyfriend just broke up with me."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the male voice replied awkwardly.

"Yes, and I was such a good girlfriend too! I did whatever he asked me to! I even made brownies for him, and what do I get? A messy break-up and the CD I gave him for his birthday. Is it my fault?" She sniffled again.

"Oh, no," the telemarketer replied uncomfortably. "I'm sure you're a great girlfriend."

"Then why did he break up with me?" She was nearly full-on wailing by now. Silently though, she was grinning. "It has to be my fault! You think it's my fault, don't you?" She could hear shuffling on the other end of the line.

"Let's see, let's see, I'm sure the handbook-- aha! Um…no, ma'am, I believe your boyfriend was a very insensitive person who shouldn't have broken up with such a beautiful," he paused, "damn smudge...smart, original person like you."

"Aw," Ino cried. Silently, she glared at the phone. '_Oh he's good. But I'm better._' "I feel so much better. Thanks."

"Um…you're welcome."

"Will you go out with me?" Ino asked. She stuck her tongue out and turned to her mirror, miming 'no' to herself to assure it.

"I don't know…" the telemarketer trailed off, wincing.

"You think I'm FAT!" Ino shrieked. "You hate me because you think I'm an ugly cow! No one will ever love me! You don't love me! Why don't you love me?"

"But…"

And then Ino burst into tears.

Yamanaka Ino: **Do not call!**


	3. Maito Gai

**I write these when I'm bored. Like now. Still don't own Naruto. Own the telemarketer(s). Different telemarketer every time.**

* * *

Ring. 

"My most devoted pupils, I shall now go and answer the phone, for it calls with its most spirituous youthfulness."

Ring.

"Okay," came the mutter of agreement from Neji and Tenten. Lee practically shouted it.

Ring.

"Hello, most youthful one, how may I help you?"

"Is Maito Gai speaking?" A bored male voice asked.

"This is he!" Gai replied brightly.

"Oh good. Not that I really care." The telemarketer sighed. "I'm from the Konohagakure Homeless Shelter, and I was wondering if you were interested in donating some money to our cause."

"Oh, the Konohagakure Shelter! What a youthful organization! I would be glad to help your most noble cause! Unfortunately, I have leant my credit card to a friend, but never fear, I'll have it back in a couple of minutes."

"Sure," the telemarketer said. "What else do I have to do with my life? It's all a black hole of misery and despair anyway."

"Oh, one so full of life and youth must not use such disparaging remarks in regards to oneself! One must always look for the greatest good in people and in themselves!"

"Life is just preparation for death."

"It is so beautiful in the spring time!"

"Do you know when that credit card will be back? I can't seem to slit my wrists with the greeting card my sister sent me, and I have a feeling my boss will kill me if I break the mandatory paperweight. Then again…"

"Oh most spirituous youth, my credit card has returned!" Gai put his hand over the receiver and took the credit card Neji held in his outstretched palm. "Thank you Neji, for bringing back my most valuable torch of prosperity!" He uncovered the phone and went back to speaking with the telemarketer. "What did you say the name bestowed upon you was?"

"My name is Spider. I like death, pain, and leather," the telemarketer droned.

"If that is what makes you most spirituous, then so be it, I wish you good luck!" Gai boomed.

"Can you just read your credit card number off please?" Spider almost pleaded.

"Of course. The first number is four, like a strong river. Then it is two, like a pair of the most beautiful love birds in all of the world. Next is seven, graceful and swift, like a deer. Then comes one…"

This continued endlessly.

"And lastly is eight, a number my most beloved student, Neji holds dear in his--"

"Okay, we get it," Spider said. "How much are you donating?"

"Five hundred yen."

"I put up with that for five hundred yen?!" Spider screamed.

Gai looked taken aback. "Do you not feel it is gracious enough?"

"Never mind. Never mind. Thank you for your donation, I'm going to go cut myself with a paperclip."

Maito Gai: **NEVER EVER _EVER_ CALL!!! (xPainx and xDeathx)**


	4. Tsunade

**I like le telemarketers more and more. I own le telemarketers. Not le Naruto.**

* * *

Tsunade.

"Hello?" Tsunade picked up the phone in her office. She was halfway through a bottle of sake, and whoever was on the other end of that line either had a great explanation as to _why_ they were interrupting sake hour, or they have an ass-load of broken bones.

"Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Konoha Bank and Trust," oh no, "may I please speak to a," pause, paper shuffle, "Tsunade?"

"She's dead," Tsunade replied calmly.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Tsunade-baa-chan!" Naruto took this opportunity to drop by the Hokage's office. He wasn't big on respecting authority. Or sake hour, for that matter.

"Did you say Tsunade was _dead_?" the telemarketer asked, obviously having heard Naruto's call.

"Yes," Tsunade barked. "Tsunade is dead. She died of-- um, she fell out a third story window. Last week."

"But I could have sworn I just heard--"

"And I could have sworn I saw a plate of mashed potatoes move back in high school. Our minds and cafeteria ladies sometimes play tricks on us."

"Tsunade-baa-chan!" Naruto whined, still waiting on the window ledge. His voice seemed to be able to penetrate the glass easily. '_Why not the door? The door is so nice. And I can _lock the door during sake hour.'

"Now I _know_ I heard her name!"

"Ah yes, that's her third cousin twice removed husband's aunt's son. Hasn't quite gotten over her death. Terrible, tragic hallucinations."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't believe you," the telemarketer drawled. Tsunade narrowed her eyes.

"Brat! Get in here and do me a favor." Tsunade opened the window, stretching the phone cord as long as it would go and covering the mouthpiece awkwardly with two fingers. "Tell the damn telemarketer that I'm dead."

She handed the phone to Naruto. He raised an eyebrow and pressed it to his ear. "Tsunade is dead," he said in his most stoic voice, which sounded uncannily like Sasuke's.

"Then who was just on the phone?" the telemarketer demanded triumphantly. "It says Tsunade lives alone in our records! The records are never wrong! Well, George's were wrong about Haruno Sakura, but that's a statistical anomaly!"

"If Tsunade says she's dead, she's dead," Naruto replied. Tsunade sat down at her desk and began trying to concentrate on drinking her sake. '_Okay, it's sake forty-five minutes._' "Tsunade, you talk to them," Naruto whined, passing the phone back to the hokage.

"I knew you weren't dead!" the telemarketer shrieked.

"If I say Tsunade is dead, Tsunade is dead."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "Why?"

"Because Tsunade is the hokage, and if Tsunade wants to be dead until sake hour is over, Tsunade is dead until sake hour is over. Understood?"

Yet another endless pause. "She fell out a window, you said?"

Tsunade: **Do not call between the hours of 7:30 and 8:30.**


	5. Hyuuga Neji

**The first female telemarketer! Double post today, because I didn't update yesterday. (GuesswhatIdon'townNaruto!)**

* * *

Hyuuga Neji. 

It was like every other day. Neji was leaning against the doorframe, thinking about how he wished for a sign of destiny that wouldn't go away, even if he discouraged it. Even if he thought he didn't want it, this sign of destiny would remain around because he wanted it now. Mostly because there was someone he _liked_. So he wanted a sign of destiny. Neji's mind works like that, dawg.

The phone rang.

Neji picked it up.

"Hello, my name is Destiny and I'm from Konoha Cosmetics, I was wondering if you wanted to buy any make-up." There was the snapping of gum on the other line. '_Not that kind of destiny!_' Neji thought. '_Make it go away._'

"No thank you," Neji said.

"But they're so good," Destiny protested. "Don't you just want to try out our latest hypoallergenic eyeshadow? It comes in eggplant!"

"No. I'm a shinobi. Shinobi don't wear make-up."

"Or a creamy, swirl--"

"I don't want any make-up!"

There was a very long pause on the other end of the line.

And then Destiny burst into tears. "You don't like me! I'm a failure at life and I'm going to get fired and I'll never get another job because I'm not pretty or smart or talented and I can't even sell make-up right!" She wailed. Neji held the phone away from his face at arms length.

"I'm sure you could sell makeup to Haruno Sakura or--"

"Sakura is so mean to telemarketers though! Every telemarketer knows not to call her! George was," she paused to sob and gasp a few times, "just wasn't okay after talking to her! It was horrible. I'll lose my job, just please, please buy some makeup. It would mean so much to me."

"Not interested," Neji retorted flatly. "I don't need makeup."

Neji started for his bathroom. Thank god for cordless phones. He opened his medicine cabinet and--

"I ran out of concealer."

Destiny abruptly stopped crying. "I thought you didn't wear makeup."

"I ran out of concealer. And I have a huge zit on my forehead."

"Does that mean you wanted to buy some makeup?"

'_I have no concealer and mount Fuji just sprouted up between my eyebrows! And when I activate Byakugan, _I can see it everywhere I look!_ Zit!_' Neji doesn't deal well with acne, apparently.

"How fast can you get it to the Hyuuga complex?" he asked, panicked.

The doorbell rang.

"Oh you're good."

* * *

Later that day, Neji was walking unassumingly down the street, hands in his pockets, and _no zit on his face_. 

"Hey!" a voice called from behind him. "Neji!"

Neji turned around. Neji who is a teenager, who is, like all teenagers, practically made out of hormones. Not that he would ever admit it.

"Hi." People's voices get squeaker around those they like.

"Purple eyeshadow looks great on you."


	6. Tayuya

**I own only KSAC and representatives. This was originally Sasuke, but I scrapped it for Whore!Tayuyawhoismybitch. I'm aware she's from Sound. After Sasuke's chapter, back to Konoha.**** (It's Tayuya's chapter. There's some bad language. And canon-being-a-bitch).**

* * *

Tayuya.

"Hello, I'm from the Konoha--"

"I don't live in Konoha, this is Sound."

"Well, yes, we've gotten a hold of Uchiha Sasuke's forwarding address and we felt that we should call him at his new number." Tayuya glared at the phone. It frustrated her that she couldn't tell if the telemarketer was a guy or a girl.

"He's not here right now," she growled.

"Are you old enough to take these sorts of surveys?"

"Hell yeah! What do you take me for, some little kid? I can handle whatever you throw at me. What sort of survey?"

"I'm from the Konoha Condom Company."

Suddenly, Tayuya wished she had replied to the last question with 'no, I'm five years old and my mommy will ground me'. Of course, Tayuya didn't have a mommy and the closest she had to a 'daddy' had a long tongue and freaky eyes.

"Fire away," Tayuya choked. '_Why? Why did I agree to screen Sasuke's calls? Damn whore skanks._'

"Okay," said the gender neutral telemarketer. "I'll just ask the first question. Are you aware that the STI threat is growing with each passing day?"

"STI?" Tayuya asked, feeling mildly stupid.

"Like an STD, the name just got changed because 'disease' had a negative connotation."

"Yes," Tayuya muttered emotionlessly. "I just want to take an infection home and keep it as a pet. I shall name it Fluffy and it will tear your lungs."

"Fluffy? I used to have a pet mouse named Fluffy."

"Did it tear out your lungs?" Tayuya demanded. "I didn't think so. Next question."

"Do you use Konoha Condoms?" the telemarketer asked. Tayuya contemplated.

"Why? Do you?"

"I asked you first."

"To be honest...hell no."

"So you weren't being honest before?" the telemarketer asked, smirking through the phone. "Well?"

"You're fucking annoying," Tayuya growled.

"Way more annoying than you," replied the telemarketer.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves--"

"Ain't no mountain high enough! Ain't no valley low enough--"

"Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who--"

"It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all--"

"Hey," Tayuya interrupted. The telemarketer stopped singing. "Are you a guy or a chick? I mean, I can't tell. Must be the goddamned phone again. Been telling Kabuto to get this piece of shit fixed for a week and he keeps avoiding me with dumb excuses like 'I need to eat' or 'I need sleep'."

"I'm gender neutral," said the telemarketer. "Depends on how I feel at the moment."

"Well," Tayuya said, "maybe you should put this number on your _private_ calling list. How do you feel about taking a little trip to Sound?"

Tayuya: **Call Tonight! Date Thursday!**


	7. Uchiha Sasuke

**I'm so sorry I didn't update in forever. School started. Came into vice-presidency of GayStraightBisexualAlliance. Time was eaten. However, some people reviewed recently and it re-inspired me. You know who you are. Goes out to you. **

Uchiha Sasuke.

The phone rang once. Sasuke shot it a scathing glare. It rang again, but a little quieter. He reached out on hand and picked it up. He hated phones they sucked.

"Yes?" he growled menacingly.

"This is the Konoha--"

"I no longer live in Konoha," Sasuke said. "Goodbye."

He hung up.

Ten seconds later, the phone rang again. Sasuke glared at it. It rang a little_ louder_ this time. He turned up the intensity of his glare. It rang even louder. He stretched out his arm again and picked it up, smashing it against the side of his face.

"What the hell do you want?" he snapped.

"Konoha Guilt Association," said the telemarketer. Sasuke shivered unconsciously. Once, a long time ago, Kurenai had talked about using that against Asuma to get him to date her. Just once. Only once. Granted, Sasuke never found out if it had worked, but that was beside the point.

"What do you want?" Sasuke repeated.

"Well," the telemarketer said, "we mostly guilt trip people. You wouldn't know anyone that needs guilt tripping, would you, you traitorous son of a bitch?"

Sasuke removed the phone from his ear and blinked stupidly at it. "Excuse me?" This was decidedly unexpected.

"I asked if you knew anyone who would need guilt tripping. Someone who abandoned their village, maybe? And left their friends to rot and feel sorry for themselves and become depressed because that someone is a traitorous son of a bitch?" The voice sounded as if it shrugged on the other end of the line. "Nobody coming to mind?"

"No."

"Are you sure? You don't know anyone who has broken the hearts of people who loved him, including his two loyal, dedicated teammates? Or maybe all the people who had hope for his future because they believed in him?"

"No."

"Not even one person who betrayed people and doesn't even deserve to be alive because he would jump in front of a hundred senbon needles to protect his so called 'closest friend?"

Sasuke grimaced. "No. No one coming to mind. I suggest you take your business elsewhere?"

"Well gee wilikers, I could have sworn this was the residence of someone who acts like an angry four year old but isn't quite hateful enough to finish the job of killing," the voice paused, lowering to a conspiratorial whisper, "well, anything. You know, too weak."

In a sudden fit of rage, Sasuke threw the phone against the wall. It shattered into a million tiny pieces and sprayed all over the bedroom. Sasuke glowered at it and one ricocheting piece hit him in the eye. Clutching his face, he stomped into the hallway.

"Kabuto! Get your ass down here, the damn phone broke again!"

Uchiha Sasuke: Soulless Bastard.


End file.
